When a friend or family member is experiencing infertility or reeling from a loss such as miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a child, sometimes we just don’t know what to say. For years I understood infertility all too well, but didn’t have firsthand experience with miscarriage. In fact, I didn’t have any experience with the death of a close loved one such as a sibling or parent. I often didn’t know what to say to a hurting friend.

Here’s what I learned:

Should you visit? If you’re close enough to the person (meaning if you live close enough in proximity AND you’re relationship is close enough) – then spending time with that person might be just the right thing to do. Take your friend a meal or dessert or deliver their favorite beverage while you’re at it!

Maybe a gift is the right option. I’ve given many gifts to friends struggling with infertility. When I facilitated an infertility support group I’d show up with gifts, goodie bags, and giveaways at nearly every meeting. I really wanted to be able to give everyone the baby they hoped for, but since only God can do that, I handed out little symbols of hope and encouragement. (At least I hoped these things brought encouragement!) Here’s a blog post I wrote describing some of those ideas. Keep in mind that often women experiencing infertility are feeling very sensitive and very emotional, and a gift could rub them the wrong way!

Some of us love books. I love it when people give me books! (Again, remember that giving someone a book about infertility or loss might hit a raw nerve and upset the recipient.) Some people have been encouraged when gifted a copy of my book Embracing Hope During Infertility. A book that will speak to many who are struggling is Suffering Is Never For Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot. (I wrote a review in this blog post.)

When In Doubt…

When in doubt about what to do or say, send a card. Write a simple note: “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m thinking of you and praying for you.” Those words are a good start, but also add your own sentiments. Pray and ask God for the right Scripture to share or even write out your prayer in the card.

Receiving cards in the mail is fun. Handwritten snail mail is personal, and it’s a nice change from bills and junk mail. I love getting fun mail! How about you?

Mailing a card indicates thoughtfulness. A simple card can brighten a person’s day and help her remember that she is loved and not forgotten! It shows that the giver put thought, time, effort, and money toward the person they are thinking about.

When you don’t know what else to do or where to start, write your grieving friend or family member a note and put it in the mail. Pray for your friend, and let your words carry encouragement.

I’m Betsy Herman and I’d love to connect with you. You can follow me on Instagram: @lovethatbetsy and @hopeduringinfertility or find me on Facebook: @hopeduringinfertility and @betsyhermanauthor. I’d love to send you a personal note in the mail! Email me your address at betsyhermanauthor at gmail.com.

Photo of the cards credit goes to: Allie on Unsplash
Photo of the hand writing goes to: Neven Krcmarek on Unsplash