For many years, I felt like an outsider when it came to mommy groups, unqualified because I wasn’t a mom. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be someone’s mommy, months then years passed me by, leaving me with an empty womb. Then the day came when everything changed. (Read more of our story here in Part 1 and Part 2.) With a baby in my arms, I finally walked into the room to join the mommy club. And there a little white bead reminded me that many women also walk a painful road to motherhood.

One morning at our mom’s gathering we made name tags. As we assembled these necklaces, I realized that when you’re a woman longing to be a mom, all you see are moms. You see pregnant bellies and little kids and happy families. You don’t see those who are also waiting or struggling. You don’t see the losses and the broken hearts. The reality is that for many women the road to motherhood is long or difficult.

As we made our name tags, we attached beads to the strings to represent each of our children. A pink bead for each daughter, and a blue bead for each son, another bead represented current pregnancy. I carefully tied a knot and placed my one little bead on the string, representing the baby we had prayed so long for and finally welcomed into our family when Jesus said yes. Along with the pink and blue beads and one for pregnancy, we were offered another option: white beans, representing miscarriage or loss, babies gone too soon.

When I looked around this room full of women, I realized that when I was a woman in the middle of infertility, I would have only seen a room full of moms, lots and lots of moms. Tears sprang to my eyes as I took note of the surprising amount of women wearing one or two or three white beads, honoring the short life of a dearly loved child. As I scanned the room, it guessed that half of the women had experienced miscarriage.

It brought to mind the summer day a couple of years ago when I took five children to the zoo. Five children, from three different families, none of them my own. At a glance, the other zoo visitors might have thought all of those children were mine, when in fact on that day my body was painfully reminding me that I was not pregnant, and my heart was aching knowing that my sister was giving birth that very afternoon. It might have appeared to others that I was a happy mom, but the truth was I was a childless woman with an aching heart.

Sometimes, as a woman in the middle of infertility, all you see are the moms and dads with little children and seemingly perfect little families. The truth is that many women know the heartache caused by infertility or miscarriage.

If you are silently grieving the loss of a baby, or you are experiencing infertility, and all you see are the moms, I want you to know that you are not the only one who is hurting. Know that many women have experienced difficulties while trying to build their families. Reach out and talk to someone about it, seek community with others who are also waiting, either through an online support group or through a local gathering. Send me a message or leave a comment and I will do my best to connect you with others. Read infertility books, like the book I wrote years before becoming pregnant. Leave me a comment or send me a message and I will pray for you. I want you to know that you are not alone!