People have been asking me how I’m doing, nearly 3 months after our baby was stillborn. I miss him every day and my heart literally aches for the baby that isn’t here any longer.

And as a writer, I’m searching for the words to answer that question “how are you?”

I have quite a few half-finished blog posts sitting before me. I’m full of thoughts and I’ve been jotting them down as I try to process everything. On one hand, my life moves forward fairly normally as the mom of an almost-three-year old, as I’m feeling isolated from the past year in a pandemic, and I’m trying to make the best of each day.

My half-written posts include these topics:

• How to make friends when moving to a new place. (Um, I didn’t know we’d have a world-changing pandemic just after our big move and this would be way more complicated than I anticipated!)
• Church is a hard place to be when you’re struggling with infertility. (I’ve been working on this post for about 5 years!) Attending church is also hard in the wake of the loss of a baby. However, I believe that worshipping with and fellowshipping with other believers is worth the effort and the pain we might feel.
• I’ve written about the day I stored away the baby items a month after our loss.
• I’ve written about the books that are helping me to pray through this season.
• I’ve written about God’s word bringing peace.
• I’ve written about the day I gave birth to our son.
• I’m still trying to sort out all of my thoughts and emotions and how they connect with my faith. I’m trying to figure out what to share and when.

Why share about it? Some might wonder. I believe that there is value in sharing because somehow statistics say that 1 in 160 pregnancies in modern-day America end in stillbirth. (Stillbirth is the death of the baby in the womb after 20 weeks gestation.) We can’t stay silent about miscarriage and stillbirth – life in the womb is so valuable and precious! I write because God has given me hope, and I want to share the faith and hope I have in Him. I want to share because the words I’ve written have helped other people with other losses and grief.

But on a daily basis, I’m trying to figure out what to say.

So I’m letting you know that I’m here. I’m missing our son tremendously. I’m continuing to live a fairly normal life. I’m trying to figure out what to say. Maybe you could comment/ message/ email me specific questions to jump start some of my written thoughts? Maybe I’ll be bold enough to talk on a video one day? 🙂

Thanks for reading.