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Over the years, I’ve communicated with a lot of women about infertility, and in the past couple of years I’ve heard a lot from women over 40 at all stages – married, single, trying to conceive, coming to terms with never having a baby. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to shed light on infertility over 40, because it’s the area that needs to see “infertility uncovered.” Women over 40 who desire to grow their families should not feel shamed.

Nearly a decade ago, I realized that my husband and I weren’t able to have babies quite as soon as we expected. During our 7 years of waiting & hoping & praying & trying, I learned to identify women struggling to conceive, to pick up on the silent heartbreak of women wanting babies but unable to have them. I reached out to many, and struggling women reached out to me for support. Connecting with others helps a girl realize that she is not alone, and it gives her a listening ear, and someone to pray with.

Finally, last year my husband and I were delighted to welcome our first child. As older parents, we didn’t see any point of waiting a long time before trying for another. I secretly dreamed of having “Irish twins” (babies born within 12 months of each other), and I’d feel a little pang of jealousy when I hear of women having babies close together. Sounds a little crazy, I know. If God grants us another baby, we’ll be delighted – and I’ll be over 40 by then.

Background Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

There was a time not too long ago when women over 40 were discouraged from having babies. Even now, those over 35 are labeled as “geriatric pregnancy” or “advanced maternal age” in their OB practices! Sure, there are risks of pregnancy at a later age, including the possibility of Down syndrome or multiple births. There is an increased risk of pregnancy complications (you can read more about that here: www.verywellfamily.com/what-are-the-chances-of-getting-pregnant-after-40-1960287). However, each person must evaluate the risks and prayerfully decide about trying to conceive after 40. My sister has Down syndrome and she lives life fully – so I don’t see Down syndrome as something negative. A different kind of challenge, maybe, but a baby with Down syndrome is not a bad thing! I’ve heard that there is a risk of having twins later in life. Those of us wanting to grow our families before we run out of time often say, “Yes, twins sounds great! Two at once!” Yes, it would be a lot of work. And yes, there is a medical risk to the mother and babies. But as a faith-based infertility writer, I will be the first to say that God’s grace is sufficient.

God’s grace is sufficient for Down syndrome. His grace is sufficient for a twin pregnancy and the parenting of twins. His grace is sufficient for the empty womb of the woman over 40.

In nearly a decade of writing about, talking about, and thinking about infertility, there are unique things to those over 40. Biology certainly is a factor – as bodies age, a woman’s fertility naturally declines. Is it impossible to become pregnant or have a healthy pregnancy after 40? No. Yet a couple desiring children in their later years has questions to ask themselves, such as:

• Do we still agree as a couple that we want to start a family or have another baby in our 40s? Adding a baby to the mix is life-altering!
• Can we take care of a child for decades to come? We’ve done the math as to how old I will be and how old my husband will be when our daughter finishes high school. It’s not what we would have chosen, but we hope to live long and healthy lives. None of us are guaranteed to live another day – sadly, I’ve known too many parents to die at a young age. Yes, it’s good to weigh the risks, but there is no guarantee.
• What about an older dad? A man’s fertility doesn’t decline as soon as a woman’s, and statistics show that men are often becoming first time dads in their 40s (and I’ve read that 1% of new dads are 50 and older). Here’s an article for a little more on older dads: www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/08/31/547320586/fatherhood-after-forty-its-now-a-lot-more-common-study-finds.
• What do other people think? If this is one of the questions you’re asking yourself, here’s what I think! Consider the input of trusted friends and family members then throw out everybody else’s opinions! This decision is ultimately between you, your spouse, and God.

Friends, there are advantages to being older parents! Long before I became pregnant, I wrote a post that said “You’re Going to be an Older Parent. And That’s Okay!” Some of the perks of being an older parent include:

• Wisdom. No, we don’t know it all and we certainly don’t have all the answers as parents, but my husband and I have had decades to watch our friends and siblings raise their children. We’ve taken mental notes and have ideas about how we want to raise our children. Because of life experience, we have a maturity we wouldn’t have had if we started having babies in our early 20s. (On the flip side, a perk to having babies younger is that you have energy! I might have more life experience than a 25 year old mama, but I expect that she has more energy.)
• Stability. Again, just because you’re 40 doesn’t mean you have it all together, but many couples starting a family later are likely to have more stability in marriage, careers, and finances.
• Gratitude. We do not take our baby for granted – even in the difficult times. Yes, we have difficult times, with a tired mom, a fussy baby who won’t go to sleep, and a dad who doesn’t know what to do with everybody else crying. Yes, we have stress and sickness and frustration. But we often tell our daughter that she is a treasure – and we believe that! There was no guarantee that we would become parents. She is a gift, and we want to treat her like that. She’s also a human and a sinner, and we must teach her right from wrong.

Do you know someone who is still hoping for a baby past 40? Do you know someone over 40 who is coming to terms with the idea that they might never have children? Yes, women under 40 wrestle with these things too, but as I chat with women, I see a difference in those over 40. Unfortunately there is a stigma that says “don’t have babies past 40!” Too often there is a sense of shame, embarrassment, or failure.

If you’re a friend of a woman over 40 desiring a baby, here are some suggestions:

• Listen if she opens up to you. Do not respond negatively, critically, or make her feel ashamed. Do not give advice unless you’re asked for it specifically. Be a gentle listening ear.
• Pray for her. Ask God to give her a baby. Pray that God will give her wisdom. Pray that God will open her womb. Pray that if God wills, she will become a mother through adoption or embryo adoption. (Adoption is wonderful! It’s a calling and a gift. However, it is not an easy fix for infertility.)
• Remember God’s stories. The Bible mentions several women who experience infertility. Every woman in the Bible who asked God for a baby eventually had a baby. Sarah and Elizabeth became pregnant and gave birth much later in life. God planned it that way. I’m sure people then thought it was crazy! Yes, it would be really odd to see a 90 year old pregnant or breastfeeding new mom! But God determined that it was His will for those ladies to have babies later in life. He also has a good (and maybe unusual) plan for you and for me.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

If you’re a woman over 40, married or not, and you still desire to have a baby or become a mama, here are a few thoughts:

• You’re not alone. Many women desire to have children. When the childbearing years start to fade and that does not happen, women can experience complicated emotions of grief. Hope can be hard to grasp. But you’re not the only one wrestling with this – even if it seems that way when you look at your social circle.
• I have begun a private Facebook group where women over 40 who long to have babies can encourage one another. Here we can wrestle with the questions and pray for one another. You can send me an email or social media message to be added to this group. It’s open to women 40 and above, married or single, and it is a faith-based Christian group.
• Talk to your doctor. They can do some basic tests to let you know your chances. Consider seeking help from a fertility clinic if you choose to do so. FertilityIQ is packed with information about fertility treatment and medical providers.
• Although adoption is by no means a quick fix for infertility, many women find deep fulfillment by becoming mothers through adoption. Embryo adoption is one avenue that allows the adoptive mom to be pregnant. Adoption from foster care is something to consider (and I can think of some beautiful families built this way!) Private adoption is an option, as well as international adoption.
• Cry out to God. Like Hannah in the Bible, who cried with such emotion that the priest thought she was drunk, cry out to your Creator who loves you more than anything.
• Faith is believing until the end. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” This chapter describes heroes of the Christian faith, and verse 13 says, “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised…” Living by faith until the end means that we are trusting God’s plan, that we know that He is able to work a miracle, and that until we take our last breath, God might answer our prayer. And if He doesn’t, He’s good, and it will all make sense when we stand face to face with Him in Heaven.
• Remember that your hope is Christ alone, not what He can do for us. My friend Stephanie shared this perspective well in a blog post after experiencing nearly three decades of infertility. Take the time to read Gonna Be Okay. Jesus Christ is our living hope, and knowing Him and loving Him is worth all the pain we experience on this earth.

The ache of a barren womb is always difficult, and it intensifies as a woman ages, which is why I’m writing on behalf of those over 40. (Proverbs 30:16 describes 4 things that are never quenched: “the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.”) I hope that this post has shed some light on the thoughts, emotions, and struggles of a woman over 40 who still hopes for a baby.

Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash

Here’s another post I wrote on this topic recently: www.hopeduringinfertility.com/hoping-for-babies-in-your-40s/

Affiliate link disclosure: I, Betsy Herman, participate in the Amazon Affiliate Program, which means that I will earn a small commission from Amazon when you shop through the links on my site. This income helps to pay for my website’s expenses – so thanks!

I’m Betsy, and I live in the Washington, D.C. area with my husband, Mike. We have been married since 2008.

My sis-in-law snapped this photo

We welcomed our first baby in 2018. You can read about our long road to parenthood in these blog posts, or read our story in my first book, When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility.

Seasons: A Picture Book is my second book, although it’s written for children, it will point all readers toward the goodness of God – especially in the darkest times. Most recently I published a book for new authors or people who dream of writing a book, and I hope that Write Your Story: Straightforward Steps for (Finally) Writing and Publishing Your Book helps you finish your book as well! I have another book in the works – my email list is the best place for getting updates on that! Subscribe here.

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