During 7 years of infertility, and if I’m honest, even before then, I wrestled with knowing the goodness of God. Early on in this struggle to become a mom, I was at a retreat where the counselors pointed out that I connected the goodness of God to what He gave me. If it seemed that God was withholding something good from me, then I perceived that He wasn’t good toward me. Even if I never said it with those words, deep down I was wondering if God was truly good.

Yes, God is good, I would have told you. I knew that in my head, but inside I wondered, “Is He being good to me right now? Is He good to me when I’m 31, or 33, or 35, and my body hasn’t been able to bear children? Is He good to me when some of major areas of my life are really difficult?”

I wrestled through those thoughts in my book Embracing Hope During Infertility. I’ve written about them even more in a book I hope to release later this winter. If you’ve read my children’s book called Seasons: A Picture Book, you’ll see that God’s goodness is a major theme there as well.

During 7 years of infertility, I learned to choose to believe that God was always good, even when my circumstances were difficult. God was so good to me in the barren places. He provided for us and blessed us in extreme measures during financial challenges. He showed me His beauty and so many good things while my womb and my arms ached for our children.

In the hardest place of my life, I knew that God was good.

When I found out I was pregnant four months ago, I shared the news using phrases like, “I’m in awe of God,” and “God has demonstrated that He is able to do miracles.” I’ve resisted using the phrase “God is good” in reference to this baby, not because God isn’t good to me right now (He is), but because God isn’t good just because He gave me a baby. One thing I refuse to say is, “I’m pregnant, isn’t God good?”

God was just as good when we were struggling to conceive for 7 years as He is today when our baby girl is growing. His answer to our prayer doesn’t determine His goodness. This baby isn’t any more a reflection of God’s goodness than the barrenness was – because God is ALWAYS good.

One more thing I’ve learned is this: if we choose to see God’s goodness in barren places, if we do all we can to choose joy during hardship, then when one day our circumstances change for the better, our joy will be more full, and our steadfast grasp of God’s goodness will be even greater.

This I know for sure, He’s always good.

Psalm 27:13-14

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

{Years after writing this blog post, I published Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now, a book all about seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living… I hope you take the time to read it!}