Dear Self,

I’m not sure I’ve ever written a letter to myself, especially not one to share publicly, but as I reflect on the past decade I am wondering what I wish I’d known. Because of my faith in God, I trust that He is directing my path, and He carefully shines light on the path just as far as I need to see. He doesn’t map out the next decade with all of the details. I trust Him, so I entered the past decade with plans, and I was met with surprises.

Ten years ago, when my husband and I felt ready to start our family, I couldn’t have fathomed all the changes we would face. We moved from North Carolina to the Washington D.C. area, where we lived for 7 years before our big move to Hawaii. While in the D.C. suburbs, my husband went back to school for a Master’s Degree and pursued a new career. Would we have made these moves and pursued these opportunities if we’d had a baby in North Carolina 9 years ago? Would we have settled down there, close to family, and not experienced living near D.C. and then living near Pearl Harbor?

Had we stayed in the town where we were newlyweds, our friendships there would have deepened. We would live closer to our families, so those relationships would look different. On the flip side, I cannot imagine my life without the people I came to know in D.C.

While we awaited our baby, I worked as a nanny for a family for 6 years. All day long from Monday through Friday, week after week, I took care of four children and their three dogs. We have so many good memories – some difficult times as well – but I love those children so much! They will be important to me forever! Would I have known them if we’d had our baby as soon as I’d planned?

Thanks to connections made in D.C., and the roller-coaster ride of infertility, I began writing more. I wrote my book about having hope during infertility. Then I wrote and published two more books. During those years, I drafted another manuscript, yet to be published.

So much happened during the years when I had expected to be birthing and raising several children. Instead, we waited, we prayed, we sought help, we helped others. We had one baby in 10 years, and she is a JOY.

If I were to write a letter to myself ten years ago, I’d tell myself to not plan too much, but to instead trust that God is writing the story, He’s mapping the road trip, He’s planning our family. And because He’s so creative, He’s full of surprises. Yes, we experienced disappointment. But we also experienced adventures and adventures and adventures.

I would tell myself to pursue other dreams. To run the races. To travel. To write. To pursue. To rest. To sleep as much as possible. I’d tell myself to enjoy all the alone time and freedom and flexibility that suddenly disappear when one becomes a parent.

I wouldn’t tell myself that you won’t see a positive pregnancy test until you’ve seen 7 years of negative test results.

On a practical note, I’d tell myself to buy Wondfo ovulation and pregnancy test strips from Amazon in bulk. I’d tell myself to create a spreadsheet and stay up to date on all things TTC – important dates, doctor’s appointments, treatments, etc. I’d tell myself to choose the best insurance plan possible.

Most of all, I would tell myself that in the end, it will all be okay. God has it all figured out. He is in the details. His plans are good.

It’s a new decade in every way – it’s 2020, I’m 40, and we have 10 years of “growing our family” behind us. Hey self, I’d like to tell you something about the next decade: it will all be okay. God has it all figured out. He is in the details. His plans are good.

In case you’re reading this note I’m writing to myself, if you don’t have children, I’d encourage you to do all the things that are more difficult to do when you have children. Sleep. Travel. Run races. Write your heart out. Pursue new dreams. Reach out to others. Love people outside your family. Earn money and save it up. I’d also encourage you that even though your life isn’t going like you thought it would, it will all be okay. God has it all figured out. He is in the details. His plans are good.

Hi, I’m Betsy Herman, writing to you from Hawaii!

I invite you to read more of our story in my first book, When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility.

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