One Saturday in January, around the time of our baby’s due date, I stepped into my daughter’s bedroom – the room that was supposed to be our children’s room.

When our baby boy, Noah, suddenly died in the womb only five weeks before we were supposed to meet him, his corner of the bedroom quickly became a cluttered pile that reflected our loss. We hastily moved things around as we anticipated the sudden visit from my parents instead of bringing our baby home from the hospital. In those initial days, I simply dumped all the baby items into that space.

Evidence of Noah’s life and reminders of his death sat upon the yet-to-be-assembled crib pieces.

On that Saturday in January, a few weeks after Noah had passed away, I stepped into the room, feeling like I could emotionally handle sorting through the mountain of baby things.

Glancing at my phone, I saw a group text message from a friend. She had sent us a link to a worship song called “You Hold It All Together.” I pressed the play button. I’ve quoted the lyrics below – they might seem simple, yet they spoke deeply to my heart that day and this song has been on repeat for our family ever since. You can listen to the song here. I had a good cry as I listened and sang along that day. Quotations below are lyrics to “You Hold It All Together” by Maverick City Music.

“I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord. I’m confident that as seasons change, Your faithfulness remains.”

My tears flowed as I reached for the baby items we had recently unpacked that now need to be stored away. I tucked away a bassinet and bouncy seat. I looked at the infant bath tub that had been passed along to us from another family just weeks before Noah died. Other baby items had come with us on our cross-country move a year ago, carried to Hawaii from Maryland with hopes that God might bless us with a second child. On that Saturday after Noah died, I placed these items back into the closet, wondering, hoping, praying that God might yet have another baby for our family.

“God of my present, God of my future, You write my story, You hold it all together…”

I packed away winter clothes intended for a trip in February. Our travel would be postponed, as we had planned to introduce our families to baby Noah while my husband took paternity leave. We had looked forward to his time off work – and now, along with our baby boy, our vacation time was suddenly gone.

“I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord.”

I looked at the unopened package of nursing bras I had ordered from Amazon in early December, anticipating breastfeeding my son for a long time, just as I had with our daughter. The package sat unopened amid the clutter, having arrived just a day or two after we learned our baby had died. I prepared it to return to Amazon.

“I’m confident that as seasons change, Your faithfulness remains.”

I sorted through piles of maternity clothes and regular clothes. As I dressed each day in late December and in early January, I discarded items onto the pile. My body completely shifted in the weeks following the delivery of our baby. By the due date, my body was back to a somewhat normal size.

“God of my present, God of my future…”

I boxed up the baby girl clothes that we had posted on Marketplace. Suddenly, we were not so sure we are ready to part with them. Just in case.

“You write my story, You hold it all together…”

Finally, I reached into the hospital bag we had not yet unpacked. I had two bags actually, the bag I had packed when Noah was still living, and the bag I packed the night before he was born, already knowing that he had died. I packed that final bag knowing that he would not come home with us. As I unpacked that bag I found comfy clothes for myself – thankfully, I didn’t stay long enough at the hospital to wear them. I opened up a folder of paperwork from the hospital social worker that included lists of funeral homes and grief support groups. I finally removed the blankets and clothes I had considered for our new baby. We ended up choosing a special blanket for him to be wrapped in the day that we delivered him. I removed the items from the bag and stored them in labeled bins.

“I’m confident that as seasons change, Your faithfulness remains.”

The item that brought the most tears that day was the little outfit I had chosen for Noah to wear home from the hospital. One day during my pregnancy, my daughter and I walked all over the mall to find the perfect “coming home” outfit for a baby born in Hawaii. I wondered what I would need for a newborn, anticipating quite a different temperature than Washington D.C. in the spring when my daughter was born. We settled on a navy blue long-sleeved outfit with words across the tummy: “I’m just here for the cuddles.”

I cried when I looked at that newborn outfit, because Noah was only here long enough for some cuddles. He grew in my womb, where I cuddled him from the outside, and my husband and I snuggled his body after he was born. Oh how we miss him.

What’s holding us together this year following our greatest loss? I’ve written another post about the mix of grief and joy that you can read here. Ultimately, God is holding us together. Our faith in God keeps us going. We have been building on the foundation of our faith for decades. We have chosen to focus on “seeing the goodness of the Lord right here and right now, no matter what happens, we’ll see God’s goodness here in the land of the living.” (That’s my paraphrase of Psalm 27:13.)

Finally, we simply must keep moving forward. We were so shocked when Noah died. Following his death, we had hard decisions and difficult steps to take, but we must keep moving forward. I had to give birth. I had to keep moving forward in the days to come. We had to make decisions about his body and his memorial service. Through it all, without a doubt, God is the One who is holding us together.

“In Him, all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17