In the beginning of 2017, I wrote a blog post referencing this question from the book of Job: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” At that point in life, we had been trying to have a baby for nearly 7 years. I didn’t know it, but 6 months after I wrote that post, I would become pregnant with our first child. We are so thankful that she is a thriving preschooler now!

When she was one year old, I had an early miscarriage – just before I turned 40.

One year later, our baby boy was stillborn.

Which brings us to today. I’m 41 years old, looking back at more than a decade of struggling to grow our family. When I was younger, I had dreamed of having a house full of children. I am thrilled to have my precious daughter by my side, especially after all the years we waited for her.

But this journey has not been easy. Struggling with singleness. Glad to be married. Years and years of infertility. Adjusting to parenthood combined with two major moves for our family. A miscarriage.

I dreamed of more peaceful and restful days, I dreamed of mornings at the beach with my young daughter splashing in the water and my newborn son snuggled against my chest. And then my baby died.

I’m a Christian who has walked with God since childhood. I believe that God still loves to do miracles. I trust that God has good plans and intentions for His children. Thanks to my ever-optimistic husband, I strive to see the bright side. Why these hardships?

Not long before I became a mother, I pondered the previously mentioned Scripture from Job 2:10.

“Job asked, ‘Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?'”

I’ll be honest, I don’t want to think too much about Job. He experienced SO. MUCH. LOSS.

However, today I want to focus on several statements from Job that have been highlighted in my Bible for quite some time.

“The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21

At the moment, I don’t want to dig into the theology of whether or not God “takes things away” from us. I do know without a doubt that suffering is part of Christian life. Philippians 3:10 talks about knowing Christ in His suffering. Elisabeth Elliot gave a talk that was turned into a beautiful book Suffering is Never for Nothing. (I wrote a blog post about her book here.) No matter how much we love God or how strong our faith is, we are not immune from suffering or death. (I’d love for you to read my thoughts on John the Baptist’s death, and the admonition from Jesus to not be offended by His ways. You can read that blog post here.)

“Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:10

That is a question we must ask ourselves in the middle of infertility and loss. Suffering happens to Christians. Even in our suffering, we can trust that God is holding us.

“Then Job replied to the Lord: ‘I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.'” Job 42:1-2

God’s purpose will still come to pass in my life. I am trusting that God’s purpose is coming to pass in Noah’s life, even though my baby boy’s life was so short.

Finally, I’ve always been struck by a phrase in Job, one of the last statements he made that was recorded in the book. He said to the Lord:

“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” Job 42:5

I’ve always loved that statement. We can hear all about God, we can learn about God, we can know so many things about God… but when we experience suffering, we’re either going to turn from God or cling to Him. I believe that we’ll best see the Light of the world when we’re in a dark place.

Our baby died just before Christmas. Giving birth to our beloved baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever done emotionally. Moving forward into the New Year without my son was very difficult. Yet my faith has deepened through our suffering. Before Noah went to Heaven, I would have said, “my hope is in God.” But the truth was, my hope was in God AND what He can do for me.

In those nights just after Noah died and just before the world paused to celebrate the birth of Christ, I knew in a deeper way than ever before that Jesus is the one who matters most. He’s the “baby” we long for. He’s the one who can fill those holes in our hearts. He is Emmanuel – God with us – He’s the one we cling to. He is truly all that matters. When the things we love most are stripped away, Jesus is there. He’s the one thing that remains. At the end of the day, He’s all that matters, He’s all that we have.

I don’t know if these words I’m writing make sense. I do know, that as I’ve experienced one of the worst things I could have imagined happening, God has brought me closer to Himself.

If I were to paraphrase a prayer from those four verses in Job, I would pray this:

“Oh God, no matter what happens, I bless Your holy name. I’m going to trust You in the good things and in the bad. Sometimes we see You most clearly in our darkest times. I trust that You can do anything, and nothing can mess up Your ultimate plan.”

No matter what you’re going through, whether your days are looking good or your life is feeling like Job’s, I encourage you to cry out to God, to choose to trust Him. He’s worth it.

Have you read my latest book Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now? I published it not knowing that my baby boy would die two weeks later – the words on those pages echoed in my heart and encouraged me so much during that time. I encourage you to download the Kindle copy or order a paperback book from Amazon, and let me know if it encourages you!