One year, on the day before Father’s Day, I took a walk, pondering how the holiday did not bother me nearly as much as Mother’s Day did. During the years when I struggled to conceive, Mother’s Day was too painful for me to even know how to handle it. I managed to cope and I was ultimately okay on Mother’s Day, but for several years I avoided the most painful place on Mother’s Day: church. I normally go to church each Sunday to worship God, to learn more about Him, and to fellowship with other believers.

After thinking about how I wasn’t too bothered by Father’s Day, I found myself at church the next day, full of negative emotions triggered by Father’s Day hoopla. The sadness, the grief, the heartache, the emptiness, and the difficulty of being an increasingly older childless couple in a family-focused environment hit me hard.

To say it really simply: while obviously not their intent, when churches make a big deal of Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, it is more painful to couples dealing with infertility than church leaders could ever imagine. It triggers grief for those whose child has died. It’s awful for those who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, or whose baby has died shortly after birth.

These holidays are also painful to those who don’t have their children in their life for reasons including death or estrangement. It provokes grief for those who don’t have their parent in their life. It’s tough for those who wished their child’s other parent was around. It can be difficult for single people who wish they were parents. One year, I sat next to an older woman, never married, never a mother, who was sad because the day reminded her of what she didn’t have, and it reminded her that her own mother had died.

I’ve seen plenty of blog posts floating around the internet, explaining why churches should not make such a huge deal about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, and I tried to stay out of the conversation. But here I am, chiming in. (And by the way, I wrote this post two years ago, before I had become pregnant. I keep tweaking it every year, and wondering if I should actually hit “publish,” so now that I have, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic!)

I want you to know that I love families! I’m an advocate of healthy marriages and growing families. Now that I’m finally a mom, I love motherhood! I understand that churches want to honor fathers and mothers, and I think it’s extremely important for churches to support families and honor parents. What I think most churches do not realize is the immense grief and pain stirred up within people experiencing infertility when fathers and mothers are presented with a special gift or “honored” in the church service.

Should couples in the middle of a fertility treatment simply stay home on Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Many Christians think that those grieving should be doing so in the context of their church family – that we should still go to church on days when it’s particularly hard. I have stayed home from church out of grief just a handful of times in my 39 years – and each of those Sundays were Mother’s Day.

Should people grieving a miscarriage stay away from their loving church community on these “holidays”? Staying home would prevent me from turning into a blubbering mess at church. But is that the best way for a church to embrace grieving couples?

There are many forms of grief that I have not experienced firsthand, so I’ll admit that I don’t fully understand what some things are like. If you have read this far into my post, and infertility is something you do not deeply understand, I wrote a book during the first 5 years of our 7-year journey that will give you insight. (Order a copy here.) There are many other blogs, books, YouTube videos, TED talks, and resources that describe the heartache that one in eight couples experience through infertility.

I’m a church-going girl. I love church! I have attended nearly every Sunday of my life, with rare absences due to work, travel, and major sickness. (In fact, I have had 3 mid-week surgeries, then shown up at church on Sunday, because I value corporate worship and community.) But Mother’s Day has been tough.

What can we do? I’ve heard of some churches that hold a special event near Mother’s Dy for the grieving. I love that idea and think we need more of those church services or events in the Christian community.

I wish I had better answers, but I mostly have questions, like how can churches better reach out to those who hurt (or weep with those who weep)? What do you think?