If you’ve followed my story, take note that I wrote this post in 2011 for a blog that no longer exists, so I thought I’d share it again. (We began TTC in 2010, I published Embracing Hope During Infertility in 2015, and our miracle was born in 2018.)

Esperanza

Esperanza might be my favorite Spanish word. Back when I studied Spanish and spent time in Central America, I knew that esperanza meant “to wait for” and “to hope.” I looked up the translation while writing this post and learned that is also means “to expect.” How fitting!

You see, I have a long history of waiting, and not all of my waiting was filled with hope and expectancy. Maybe you can relate. The longest, most difficult season of my life was the decade between finishing high school and getting married. In my young adult years I desired to have a husband, and the waiting was hard. I longed for companionship, romance, and the stability that marriage brought. During my wait for marriage, I found myself esperando – waiting and hoping. I realized how challenging it is to “wait” and “hope” in expectancy when the object of your esperanza is still out of sight.

Here I am again. I find myself in this place of esperanza, although this time I’m not on the lookout for a spouse. Instead my husband and I find ourselves esperando – waiting and hoping for the day when God will bless us with a baby. We have been trying to start a family for well over a year and it has been an opportunity for me to wait and hope in expectancy.

My Struggle

Whether you’re waiting for a spouse, a baby, or anything large or small, you may relate to my struggle. It’s no fun to be “always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” As much as I love caring for other people’s children, it’s challenging to be “always the babysitter, never the mom.” Waiting is hard. It can be a daily emotional battle. I have battled feelings of disappointment and discouragement. I have wrestled with jealousy. I have struggled to fit in socially, since most of my peers have small children, and their social lives and conversations seem to revolve around motherhood. I planned to have a baby in 2011, and although I didn’t, many of my cousins and my sister-in-law did. I have questioned whether something is “wrong with me” or “wrong with us” and I would guess others wonder that too. I have faced the blunt questions people ask, such as “when are you going to have a baby?” and the unsolicited advice.

I have had deal with major changes to my life plan (and I am a planner!) I planned to be a stay-at-home mom by now; instead I find myself working at my day job and some side jobs. Thankfully I have been greatly blessed throughout the process: I have matured as an individual, God has done great things in my heart, and my relationship with my husband has deepened. I have also pursued new endeavors such blogging.

Early on, we chose to tell family and friends that we were trying to start a family. Sometimes I wonder if I should have shared that information at that time. Ultimately I am glad I shared our plans. I am grateful for the countless people who prayed for us. I have become more and more aware of other women who find themselves in my shoes: unable to conceive as soon as planned. Although we may take different routes in our journeys, I hope to be able to encourage them, and I believe that God will use my testimony for His glory.

How do I choose to define myself?

Two words I have had plenty of time to consider recently are “infertile” and “barren.” Merriam Webster defines each:

infertile: incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy

barren: not reproducing: as not yet or not recently pregnant

My husband and I do not call ourselves “infertile” even though that is the medical definition. We call it “not being able to conceive as soon as hoped” which I think fits better under “barren” than “infertile.” We still don’t want to label ourselves as either. In our journey of faith we want to speak LIFE into our circumstances. Saying “I’m infertile” is just agreeing with what I know is the opposite of God’s desire for me.

How do I know what God’s desire is? The Bible is pretty clear that children are a blessing from God. The first thing God ever commanded people to do was to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jesus loves children. There is no doubt of that. I also believe that God puts desires in our hearts, and I have dreamed of being a mommy ever since I was a little girl. Yes, it’s hard having hope deferred. And yes I believe that God is going to fulfill the desires He has put in our hearts. I am trusting God to do this in His perfect timing.

The Bible calls a woman who cannot conceive “barren.” I like the way Webster defines it as “not yet reproducing”. That’s me! The “not yet” reminds me of esperanza – waiting in hope and expectancy. Over and over again the Bible tells stories of women who desire children but are not able to conceive… at first. By the grace of God, we see in the Bible that every barren woman who asked God for a baby got pregnant, even Sarah and Elizabeth, who were quite old! I am standing with these women of faith, believing that God will bless us also.

My Hope

Psalm 113:9 is the verse I’m hanging onto this year: “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.” This scripture is so loaded: I am trusting that God will settle (establish) me in my home and that I won’t just be a mom one day, I will be a happy mom! Let’s believe together. Let us have esperanza as we wait, hope, and expect.