When the disappointment of not being pregnant hits me over and over again, I sometimes wonder if I’m crazy for hoping. Even though I strongly believe that God has said we will have children, I fear the emotions of getting my hopes up.

As I did some spring cleaning last week, I opened a box to find maternity clothes waiting patiently for me. Deep in a closet sit bags of baby clothes and a baby girl bedding that I hope to use some day. Several plastic tubs of baby items that we have been given are stored in my parents’ attic… waiting. These items remind me of the hope that I have, even when hope seems crazy. If I had no hope that we will eventually use them, I suppose we wouldn’t keep them around.

One of my goals last year was to read through the entire Bible or listen to it with an audio version. It’s February and I’m still struggling to finish what I had hoped to be done with in December. While working my way through Ezekiel, a verse popped out at me. These words were spoken from the Lord to His people:

“None of my words will be delayed any longer; whatever I say will be fulfilled, declares the Sovereign Lord.”

I underlined it.

For several days I thought about it.

Do you want to know how I felt about it? I felt like this woman:

The Bible refers to her as The Shunammite Woman and her story is in 2 Kings 4. She was kind and hospitable to Elisha, the prophet. She welcomed him, fed him meals, and even made up a guest room in her home for him to use freely. She was married, but had no children. One day the prophet, Elisha, said to his servant, “What can we do for her?” He replied, “Well, she doesn’t have a son… and her husband is old.” Elisha called the woman in and said to her, “About this time next year, you will hold a son in your arms.”

She responded like this: “No, don’t mislead me!”

I imagine the emotions she is feeling: I want to have hope! But this hurts! This is my greatest desire, my unfulfilled dream, a tender place in my heart that just HURTS! Don’t tell me that it will happen. Can’t you see that it hasn’t happened after all this time!?

In spite of her reaction, 2 Kings 4:17 says, “But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her.”

Even when the heart’s response to hope from God is not full of faith, even when the heart’s response is full of pain, God is still able.

I want to choose to believe that the heart of God is this: His promises will no longer be delayed. What He says WILL be fulfilled. One day those words will be a reality in my life.

It’s true: my heart hurts. “Infertility,” as they call it, is by far the hardest and ugliest monster I’ve ever faced. It’s been lurking in my life for almost five years. While standing up against it, I have chosen time and time again to have hope and to have faith. I still choose hope, even when it hurts. I even wrote a book about, because I truly do believe that God is good, He gives hope, and He has something good in store.

So now I stand, having obeyed Him in the writing and the publishing. I stand, feeling tired after years of standing here waiting, yet I choose to have hope – even though it seems impossible. Even though it hurts. Even though I feel more like the Shunammite woman than I prefer.

Because He’s still able. I believe that a day will come when there are no more delays, when His words whispered to my heart will be fulfilled.