As we have walked through this, God held us close. I wanted to share some things I’ve pondered while lying awake in the night the week Noah went to Heaven.

When Jesus walked on this earth, He had a friend named Lazarus. This friend died, was buried for several days, and Jesus brought him back to life. Jesus demonstrated that He CAN raise the dead. He does so for His glory. The day that our baby stopped moving, we discovered his heart wasn’t beating, and we learned our baby had died, I asked a second doctor to take another look because God can do miracles. Still no heartbeat. My parents made a rapid turnaround time traveling to Hawaii from North Carolina during a pandemic, in order to take care of our daughter and to support us.

The morning we arrived at the hospital, they did a quick ultrasound, and I asked that they check the heartbeat again, because we believe in a God of miracles. There was no heartbeat, and we prepared for our stillbirth.

One source of strength was that I had been meditating on a Scripture that I referenced in my new book. When I finalized the words of that book this fall, I did not know what the days ahead would hold. The timing seemed right to push through and release my book Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now at Thanksgiving.

Less than two weeks after publishing those words. I cried anxious tears as I walked into the hospital. I cried even more when the doctor confirmed that the baby’s heart was no longer beating, only five weeks before his anticipated arrival. Several days were filled with crying and preparing, and God reminding me of what I had just published.

Here is an excerpt from Beauty in Barren Places:

When John the Baptist was out and about preaching and preparing the way for Jesus’ ministry, he was doing what he was called by God to do. His life was different than many, beginning with a unique prophecy about his birth to an older, childless couple. He prepared the way for Jesus. However, he was still thrown into jail by Herod, the ruler of their day. Even after a miraculous birth and divine calling, he still found himself imprisoned.

From his jail cell, he heard about Jesus’ ministry—people were being healed, lives were being changed, and great things were happening! As he sat in his jail cell, he began wondering what was going on.

Luke 7:18-19 says: “John’s disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, he sent them to the Lord to ask, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?’”

In verses 22-23, Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”

Matthew 11 also recounts this story. Verse 6 (NKJV) says, “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”

“Not offended because of me.” Jesus’ words echo in my mind.

John heard about how Jesus was setting people free and healing them. Meanwhile, he was staring at the wall of a jail cell, likely with shackles on his hands and feet. Couldn’t Jesus miraculously release John from prison? We know that Jesus could only act upon His Father’s will (John 5:19). We don’t always understand why God doesn’t change our circumstances when it’s within His power to do so.

Jesus’ message to John was simple. He told John to not be offended by the way He was doing things.

John heard stories of all the miracles that Jesus is performing: the blind can see again, the crippled people are walking and jumping, people with the incurable disease of leprosy are healed, and the list goes on. I imagine that John is thinking, “If Jesus can help them, why doesn’t He help me?”

Jesus’ response to John was essentially this: “Yes, I’m out here doing all these miracles while you’re in there feeling disappointed, but do not allow feelings of offense to cause you to fall away from trusting Me.”

I’ve been over here thinking, Hey God, I feel disappointed by my life’s circumstances.

God whispers to my heart, “Do not be offended by the way I orchestrate things.”

In this journey of learning to trust God through all circumstances and seasons of my life, I want to trust Him through my deepest disappointments.

John was not released from prison. Instead, he was killed there.

Were those the last words John ever heard from Jesus? Did Jesus words echo in his mind over and again? I imagine

John’s thoughts could have gone like this:

Hey Jesus, you’re doing miracles, can’t you get me out of here?

“Do not be offended by Me.”

I’m your cousin—why are you leaving me in jail?

“Do not be offended by Me.”

I was born to my parents late in life because You had a special purpose for my life! Is this really Your plan for me to be in jail right now or to die so young.

“Do not be offended by Me.”

In my own journey, I hear God saying the same thing.

“Do not be offended by Me.”

But God, can’t you give BOTH of us babies? Why just her?

“Do not be offended by Me.”

God, unemployment has lasted too long, and our finances are strained.

“Do not be offended by Me.”

Hey God, this year is not going like I had hoped or expected.

“Do not be offended by Me.”

What if God never says yes to your desperate prayers or mine? I believe that He is a God of miracles, and He can do anything. I also believe that He’s sovereign, and He is going to work everything out for His own glory and my good, even if I don’t understand it in my lifetime.

I choose to believe that God is good and that He is good toward me even if my prayers aren’t answered the way I would like them to be answered. John the Baptist died even after his parents waited a lifetime for him to be born and even though God called Him for a special purpose. His story didn’t end like you or I might have thought that it should. Yet the circumstances do not change God’s goodness.

-end excerpt-

I am actually not sure when I wrote those words. I was writing this book for quite some time. However, in the past few months as I edited and refined my book, I pondered this over and over and over.

Last week, when I awakened throughout the night, unable to sleep, knowing my child has passed away in my womb, God filled my mind with Scriptures and songs. And I kept hearing that phrase “do not be offended by me.”

God could have prevented our son’s death. God could have revived him. He didn’t. And He says to me and to you, “do not be offended by this.”

Throughout this past week, I kept saying out loud, “God, you’re good.” He’s good to us always, even as I laid in a hospital bed preparing to say goodbye to my baby.

Yes, we are grieving.

Yes, we have a lot to walk out in days and weeks and months and years to come.

But God prepared me by having me push with all of my might to get this book published this winter. God knew I needed to hear the same message over and over and over.

He’s good to us. Always. I hope you read Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now. Most of all, I hope you focus on the God of hope. At the end of the day, He is what remains. And He is worth it.

{This picture below was my view from the hospital room that was full of the peace of God. He truly gives peace.}