Is adoption the solution for infertility? Adoption is a decision to be made together by you, your spouse, and God. Six points I would make to anyone considering adoption because of infertility are as follows:

1. It’s about the child. The woman speaking to the foster care inquiry class that my husband and I attended said, “We are not here to find children for you. We are here to find parents for children.” Plus, the goal of foster care is to reunify the children with their parents/families. Those two statements, along with some other factors, helped us determine that adoption through foster care was not the route for us at that time. Remembering that adoption is about giving parents to children, not about ME becoming a parent, is a key point. A friend who has birthed babies after infertility also reminded me that these babies came because God wants her and her husband to parent them – the babies are not just so they could have more kids.
2. Adoption is not easy. One of my dearest friends and her husband adopted a newborn because they feel called by God, not because of infertility. Walking with her through the adoption process has allowed me to see that it is difficult, heartbreaking, and expensive. Ashley Wells, the author of Blessed Chaos, detailed their story of going from no children (due to infertility) to four children who were adopted as siblings from foster care. After reading her story, I once again realized that adoption is not an easy solution – after years of the heartbreak of infertility, adoption is not always a piece of cake.
3. It’s a faith process. My all-time favorite quotes about infertility were in an article by Rhonda Rundberg Birchard on TodaysChristianWoman.com. Her article called “Death of a Dream” says: “We know adoption may be the route we need to go in order to have a family. We aren’t opposed to adoption; we’re just still dealing with the fact that our first dream, to have our own child, is dying. Sometimes you need to heal from the loss of one dream before you can create a new one.” Rhonda ends her article with: “I know the Lord will provide a child for us. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But I know that He is with us and that He is our God.”
4. Adoption doesn’t necessarily fill the void. I have heard it said many times by people who have adopted after infertility that having children through adoption often does not take away that desire to bear children through pregnancy. And it doesn’t have to be either-or. I love seeing families built by both adoption and pregnancy!
5. Are you and your spouse unified? This should be an obvious one, but not every couple is in agreement about adoption. When one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not, they need to pray and agree. For many of those couples, the decision will be to not adopt (unless one changes their mind).
6. Is God calling you? If God has called a couple (or a person) to adopt, I will encourage them AND pray for them AND support them in any way I am able! Because doing anything out of obedience to God – especially caring for the orphan – is absolutely the right decision! However, I can see that adopting to fix infertility can be like putting on a Band-Aid to cover a wound – and that might not be a wise decision. Make sure you’re following God’s leadership, not just trying to fill your emptiness – because parenting is hard work.

Am I against adoption? No, I think it is wonderful and I have seen amazing families built by adoption. I have heard friends say with complete confidence that adoption is the route for building their family after being unable to conceive. However, I do think people – especially those of us dealing with the heartbreak of infertility – should pause to count the cost before diving in.

There will still be some of us who choose to believe God for miracle pregnancies. Sometimes God will surprise a family and give them an unexpected adoption while they try to conceive, or He’ll bless them with a seemingly impossible pregnancy during or after adoption.

I like adoption, but I like obeying God’s direction even more. And a point to consider is that adoption and childbirth are not mutually exclusive! Pursuing one of those right now doesn’t mean we’re giving up on the other forever.

So I echo Rhonda Birchard’s words again, “I know the Lord will provide a child for us. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But I know that He is with us and that He is our God.”

Hi, I’m Betsy, and I live in the Washington, D.C. area with my husband, Mike. We have been married since 2008. We enjoy exploring new cities together on foot, eating at our favorite Italian restaurants, and doing life as a team. I published my first book Embracing Hope During Infertility in January 2015. You can learn more about me here. I invite you to connect with me by following my Hope During Infertility Facebook page or my Betsy Herman, Writer Facebook page. Thanks so much for reading my posts!